ESPnews: MTV Video Music Awards Roundup (WARNING RIHANNA FANS WILL BE OFFENDED...AS YOU SHOULD)

The 2016 MTV VMA's took place on Sunday, 28th August. Otherwise known as the 'Bey & RiRi Show, with Special Guests'; unless you're fans of them (insert sideways glance here) then the most truthful thing that I can tell you is that it was a great big steaming pile of crap. But if you really want a rundown, then here it is.

The Baijan makes light work of the stage

Rihanna (who shall henceforth be referred to as 'The Baijan') 'opened' the show with a dance medley of 'Don't Stop the Music', 'Only Girl (In the World)', 'We Found Love' and 'Where Have You Been'. People applauded. I don't know why. The dance routine was a set of particularly uninspiring African-inspired moves, simple enough to be taught in any gym class. The voice over announcer informed us that we would be hearing from her three more times throughout the night. I hung my head in one hand and wept, whilst taking notes with the other.

Two idiotic presenters in blackface made annoying excuses for jokes that made me want to smash my TV. The show had been on for eight minutes. They introduced themselves as @LizardSheeple and @TheShamester. They eventually (thankfully) passed hosting duties to DJ Khaled in the skybox (the show was taking place at Madison Square Gardens), who had real, talented artists like the great Hip Hop MC Fabolous watching the show.

The first award of the night was called; it was Best Hip Hop, and there was no surprise when an absent Drake won for his Grandad dance in Hotline Bling.

After a reminder that voting for the Best New Artist category was still open, and the five nominees had been whittled down to two: Bryson Tiller and the Jonas-led DNCE. As they 'performed' their second duet 'Side to Side' in between a sleazy giant set of fishnet-covered pins in stilettos, there was a gratuitous show of flesh from Arianna Grande and Nicki Minaj. They also had several scantily-clad male dancers. I was already counting the wasted minutes of my life that I would never get back. I almost cried.

A barefaced Alicia Keys (if you are of West Indian descent and you know her history, you can take that one of two ways - I meant it in both) took to the podium to read a poem on the 53rd anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech, before presenting the Best Male Artist award to Calvin Harris featuring The Baijan for 'This Is What You Came For'. I rolled my eyes in an exaggerated fashion.

Future proved why he should stick to producing

Naming him one of his favourite artists, 23-time Olympic Medallist Michael Phelps introduced Future's noise...ahem performance of 'F**k Up Some Commas'. I wanted to f**k him up for that ignorant display. That was not what our ancestors passed through the underground railroad for. Had they forseen that, they might have stayed put to save shame.

Kanye West spoke moments of sense before introducing his video premiere of 'FADE', featuring a near-naked Teyana Taylor (RnB singer in her own right if you're still wondering), gyrated around a gym. If you have yet to see the spectacle, all seems typical enough, you will marvel at Teyana's insane body, until her shower sex exploits with her husband earn her a cat face, and a baby, amongst many sheep...The guy, of course stayed normal.

The Baijan followed with a Reggae medley. I counted the many things I would rather be doing; like shooting metal nails under my finger nails, and laying under the wheels of a plane after being hit by an 18-wheeler, set on fire, and shredded by a shark without anaesthetic.

The only enjoyable moment of the show, Nick Jonas performed 'Bacon' featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Nick did an awful lot of good on his pedometer.

Serena Williams introduced 'her friend' Beyonce, who performed 'Lemonade'. It was a fairly decent performance. I did wonder if her daughter was watching. My laugh out loud moment came when the screen behind her emblazoned the following statement: 'God is God, I Am Not'. Naturally, the irony tickled me pink.

After the crowd finally settled from their standing ovation, Fifth Harmony were allowed to collect their Best Collaboration award for 'Work From Home' also featuring the ever popular Ty Dolla $ign. I think I'm a fan.

Kim Kardashian West stumbled over her introduction of Britney Spears, who remembered all of the words to 'Make Me / Myself & I', for which she was joined by G-Eazy. At least that's what Shazam said he was called. Personally, I just read K-Fed 2.0.

The USA 'Final Five' award Beyonce - or vice versa?

The USA Final Five gymnastics team (who were actually four on the night) - because of course Americans have to be dramatic and give them a group name - awarded Best Female Video to Beyonce. Their collective and individual gold medals clearly didn't compare to the embrace they each received from the singer.

Traci Ellis-Ross, the insanely funny daughter of Diana Ross, who I have always held in such high esteem, disappointed me greatly, for the exuberance with which she introduced 'her friend' - The Baijan. Everybody sure is friendly, don't you think?

Fifth Harmony returned, this time to present the Best New Artist award to DNCE - the newest member of their exclusive club. I almost laughed out loud when Joe Jonas stressed with such seriousness, how they had collectively been "doing this for over ten years"...I have toe fluff that's older (what? You can't always get into the deep corners)!

Alessia Cara and a strange individual introduced The Chainsmokers, who performed 'Closer' with Halsey - an edgy young lady auditioning for Kristen Stewart's place in life.

Jimmy Fallon presented Video of the Year to Beyonce for 'Formation'. Her speech - much like the last - was not compelling, save for her dedication to the people of New Orleans. For that, she got a pass.

The legendary, supertalented Mary Jane Blige - who does not have a lifetime achievement award - introduced the final display of the night by 'her friend', the inferior Baijan. It was a 'vocal' medley that was topped off with an emotional Drake, professing his undying love for The Baijan, and lauding all of her 'achievements' in her eleven year career. I sat watching in disgust - what the promise of a pair of pants coming down will do, I thought, shaking my head in despair.

Call me crazy, but when I was little (which was NOT that long ago, you cheeky mares), lifetime achievements would be handed out after you put in at least a quarter century's worth of work. More likely, it would be around the 40/50-year mark. And honestly, I believe that is appropriate. If we haven't seen you grow wrinkles, have kids with multiple partners, get fat, get slim, have a drink/drug/gambling/sex addiction, go to rehab, have lipo/gastric band/colonics and whatever other means are available for drastic weight loss - not to mention the plastic surgery scandal, then I'm sorry, but you haven't earned your title! The fact that the legendary Michael Jackson - the Greatest Entertainer of ALL Time's name is attached to this award - thus implying that she is anywhere close to his league, just adds further insult to injury.

Finally at the end of the debacle, I gladly grabbed for my remote, and turned to the Crime and Investigation channel, revelling in pretending that the innocent victims on the screen, were in fact every single act who had wronged my ears for the previous few hours. Sigh, relief. Goodnight.

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I'm sure one or few of you will have a little something to say about my take on the awards, and most importantly, my response to the performers (evil cackle)...go ahead and let me have it - why am I wrong? It's YOUR stage below, the place for you to have your say...I'll be waiting!

Come back in two hours for THE BIG INTERVIEW in the ESPspotlight with supercool crooner, Jodie Abacus - trust me when I tell you that you don't want to miss it!

Until the next...

ES

Photos and videos courtesy of MTV.com, The Hollywood Reporter, ETonline, Getty Images - with thanks.